Novelties/Weirds (by publication date)

The Life and Death of Sir Jonas Brothers” at R U Joking. January 27th, 2023.

Forbidden Fruit: An Exploration of Botanical Fan Fiction” at Jane Austen’s Wastebasket. January 17th, 2023.

Tired of Demure, Uptight Christmas Nuts? You Need Emeton’s Loose Nuts This Holiday Season” at Points in Case. December 9th, 2022.

Our Perfectly Logical Self-Explanatory Admittance Policy” at Robot Butt. December 6th, 2022.

How To Draw Stuff: Part 1 – Drawing a Face” at The Haven. December 1st, 2022.

Do Bananas Exist?” at The Haven. November 23rd, 2022.

So… Are You Still Single?” at The Haven. November 14th, 2022.

I Was The “Bigfoot” In The 1967 Patterson-Gimlin Film Footage And I Have Something To Say” at Little Old Lady Comedy. November 10th, 2022.

I Will Be Your Fake Canadian Girlfriend If You Will Be My Fake American Boyfriend” at The Belladonna. November 10th, 2022.

Composting–With Earworms!” at The Haven. November 3rd, 2022.

They Will Come for You with Their Spatulas” at The Haven. October 27th, 2022.

Rules of Etiquette for Our Ladies of Grise-Grays Township Knitting & Sewing Circle” at The Belladonna. October 21st, 2022.

Unpopular Romance Novel Tropes” at The Haven. October 2nd, 2022.

Cab Calloway’s Radio Alphabet” at The Journal of Compressed Creative Arts. September 26th, 2022.

Is It Safe to Wear Your Autumn Jacket?” at The Belladonna. September 22nd, 2022.

Game of Clue Expansion Pack” at The Haven. September 13th, 2022.

The Reason I Had to Kill That Man Was Mainly Because of Brahms” at The Haven. September 1st, 2022.

Alt Text for Some Famous Paintings” at The Haven. August 28th, 2022.

Please Fill in Our Unnecessarily Invasive Medical Questionnaire” at The Haven. August 12th, 2022.

How to Make a Raisin Pie When You Absolutely Hate Raisins” at The Haven. August 7th, 2022.

Signs Your Wife Has a Secret” at The Haven. July 26th, 2022.

Parents Write Slogans for Some Household Items” at Frazzled. July 15th, 2022.

You Are Cordially Invited to Our Dog-Worming Shower” at The Belladonna. July 6th, 2022.

Zookeeping for Dummies” at Defenestration. June 30th, 2022.

The Definitive ‘Hot or Not?’” at The Belladonna. June 21st, 2022.

Duck Pants!” at The Haven. June 17th, 2022.

The 25 Stages Of Writing Comedy, As Chronicled In A Bedside Notebook” at Little Old Lady Comedy. June 8th, 2022.

A Novel, A Short Story, A Memoir, and A Poem Walk Into a Bar” at The Rumpus (Funny Women section). June 3rd, 2022.

Bird is the Word” at The Haven. May 20th, 2022.

I Am Stepping up to Run Garden Club Despite My Complete Lack of Gardening Knowledge” at Points in Case. May 16th, 2022.

Off-Brand Advice Columnists Take Your Questions” at The Belladonna Comedy. May 13th, 2022.

Revenge on a Door & Window Salesman” at The Haven. May 2nd, 2022.

How To Make Friends” at 251. April 23rd, 2022.

This is the Most Personality a Personality Test You Will Ever Take Will Ever Have” at Funny-ish. March 11th, 2022.

Congratulations on your purchase of a Deluxe Jerk Supreme through the Jerks Unlimited Online Market!” at Down in the Dingle. March 5th, 2022.

The MD: The World’s Only Sexually Transmitted Degree” at Points in Case. March 4th, 2022.

Doctor Who Alien or Posh Baby Name?” at The Haven. February 17th, 2022.

“Slogans for Duck Milk” (originally published at 251), reprinted in The American Bystander Issue #21. Page 15.

First-place caption in The New Yorker Caption Contest. The New Yorker. January 31st, 2022.

This is the Best Pet Chocolate Éclair FAQ You Will Ever Read” at The Haven. January 15th, 2022.

I am Imposter Syndrome and I’m in Way over my Head” at Little Old Lady Comedy. January 7th, 2022.

I Traded in My Standing Desk for a Careening-Around-A-Corner Desk and My Productivity Has Soared!” at Points in Case. December 2nd, 2021.

Items We Really Want On Our Wedding Registry In 2021” at The Belladonna. November 10th, 2021.

For Just $100 a Day You Can Sponsor a Billionaire” at Functionally Dead. November 2nd, 2021.

Real Accents and How to Do Them” at 251. November 1st, 2021.

I Am the Menacing Voiceover from a Horror Movie Trailer and I’m Just Trying to Order a Pizza” at Points in Case. October 20th, 2021.

Stop Your Spiders Getting Chilly with Octo-Cozy™ Technology” at Points in Case. September 18th, 2021. [Content Note: Graphic descriptions of spiders]

Slogans for Duck Milk” at 251. September 3rd, 2021.

The Adventures of Botanist Idaho Brown: Big Plant Hunter” at The Junction. August 30th, 2021.

Ultimate Cage Match: Care Bears vs Actual Bears” at The Haven. August 22nd, 2021.

Variations on The Floor is Lava Game” at 251. August 8th, 2021.

I Am the Art Director for Bananarama’s ‘Nathan Jones’ Music Video and It is Going to Be Immense!” at The Daily Drunk. July 7th, 2021.

You’re Probably Wondering Why I’m Holding up this Bank with a Greek Pastry” at The Haven. July 2nd, 2021.

Best Moments from the All-Female Reboot of “Reservoir Dogs” at The Museum of Americana. June 15th, 2021.

Reviews from the Evil Villains® Dating App” at Lady Pieces. June 14th, 2021.

Prayers for the Non-Religious” at Down in the Dingle. June 11th, 2021.

On Cutting my Hair in Lockdown” at The Haven. May 10th, 2021.

For Sale: Gently Used Dog Food” at Points in Case. April 30th, 2021.

If Libraries were Run Like Used Car Dealerships” at McSweeney’s. April 29th, 2021.

Afternoon Tea at Arlene Smith’s House: Play-by-Play with Color Commentary” at The Belladonna. April 28th, 2021.

In Defense of Lovey Howell” at Little Old Lady Comedy. April 19th, 2021.

Archery for Donuts” at The Junction. April 14th, 2021.

Short joke at Points in Case (scroll down).

A Common Adage, Revised” at 251. March 19th, 2021.

Games for the Nasally Fixated” at The Haven. March 18th, 2021.

Help, I Live in a Quiet English Village Where Nothing Ever Happens!” at McSweeney’s. March 10th, 2021.

Eleven More Ways to Make Yourself Dour” at Down in the Dingle. March 4th, 2021.

Before I Buy Your Car, I Need to Ask You Some Invasive Questions About the Lifestyle I am About to Purchase” at Points in Case. February 21st, 2021. [Content Note: Wiener dogs, pound cake, Salmonella]

Instructions for Looking after Bergola” at The Junction. February 4th, 2021.

Short joke at Points in Case (scroll down).

Answers to Your Potato Safety Questions” at Points in Case. January 28th, 2021.

Birds Do It. Bees Do It.” at 251. January 27th, 2021.

Reviews of Products from the Savanna Appliance Company Catalog” at The Haven. January 15th, 2021.

“Open Letter to the Paperboy in While You Were Sleeping at Little Old Lady Comedy. January 13th, 2021.

Pique for Cats” at The Haven. December 16th, 2020.

A Realtor Tries to Sell the Lair of a Bond Villain” at The Haven. December 10th, 2020.

Welcome to our Vegan Abattoir” at The Haven. November 24th, 2020.

Hermits, Unite!” at Down in the Dingle. November 21st, 2020.

‘Does Lava Taste Like Cheese?’ And Other Burning Questions” at How Pants Work. November 9th, 2020.

Cat Emotions: A Photographic Glossary” at The Haven. November 8th, 2020.

Bad Farm Fiction” at The Haven. October 8th, 2020.

What Your Favorite Salty Snack Says About You” at How Pants Work. September 28th, 2020.

The Slippery Slope of Novelty Socks” at Emrys Journal Online. September 16th, 2020.

80% of Women are Wearing the Wrong Size Cat” at Lady Pieces. September 5th, 2020.

Paul Hollywood Reviews Classic and Popular Literature” at Points in Case. September 1st, 2020.

How to Make a Chicken out of Tonsils” at Down in the Dingle. August 22nd, 2020. [Content Note: It’s work-safe, but it’s not weird-safe.]

“The Secrets of Method Acting as Revealed by Patrick’s Dad from the Norwich Union Commercial” at The Haven. August 7th, 2020.

Withnail & I & the Universal Laws” at Dishonourable Unmentionables. August 3rd, 2020. [Content Note: Strong language]

What Kind of Fruit are You? Take the Quiz!” at How Pants Work. July 28th, 2020.

Proton Station Nectar: Bottle Cap Facts” at MuddyUm. July 27th, 2020.

Rejected Candy Slogans” at Weekly Humorist. July 17th, 2020.

The Most Important Questions to Ask Before Hiring a Cat” at The Haven. July 12th, 2020.

Crummy Biscuits” at MuddyUm. July 8th, 2020.

Thoughts on Finding a Seven-Foot-Tall Giant Plush Hansa Giraffe in the Mastermind Toys Online Catalogue” at Funny-ish. June 29th, 2020

Dog Person” at The Haven. June 28th, 2020.

Ace That Job Interview with These Helpful Tips!” at Down in the Dingle. June 25th, 2020. [Content Note: Cake]

The Recursive Recursion List” at One Minute Wit. June 22nd, 2020.

I Visited the Most Haunted Village in England: I Didn’t See One Freaking Ghost” at Points in Case. June 18th, 2020. [Content Note: Language]

Meditations on Having One’s Boob Flattened During A Mammogram” at The Belladonna Comedy. June 3rd, 2020.

Review of New Food: Post Tim Hortons Timbits Cereal” at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. April 23rd, 2020.

When Children Try to Write Adult Fiction” at Points in Case. (January 16th, 2020)

How to Race Pigeons Professionally in Your Living Room” at Slackjaw. (December 1st, 2019). [Content Note: This is satire, not actual advice.]

“Best-Selling Items from the M.R. James Collectibles Catalogue” in the Infinite Lives: Short Tales of Longevity (print and ebook) anthology from Third Flatiron Publishing (October 15th, 2019).

Birth Control for the Modern Age” in Lady Pieces (October 6th, 2019).

What Women in Science are Really Wearing These Days (Contrary to What Most ‘Women in STEM’ Posters Would Have You Believe Are Always Lab Coats) OR Things That I Have Actually Worn as an Actual Scientist Doing Actual Science” at Defenestration Magazine (September 10th, 2019).

TLDR Classic Literature” at Queen Mob’s Teahouse. July 18th, 2019. [Content Note: swearing. Also, insults beloved classics.]

Open Letter to the Picture of the Tomato and Cucumber Salad on my Box of Frozen Breaded Fish Fillets” at Pickle Fork. July 16th, 2019.

Top 5 Asexual PositionsLittle Old Lady Comedy (June 12th, 2019).

Take the 2nd Annual IQ Smartass Quiz for a Chance to Win a Free TermiteSlackjaw (May 22nd, 2019).

Cow KeyMcSweeney’s Internet Tendency (May 7th, 2019).

“Baking for Sadists” published at Points in Case (February 4th, 2019). [Content Note: swearing]


Short Stories (by publication date)

“To Break the Liquid Moon” in The New Quarterly  (Issue #164, Fall 2022). November 9th, 2022.

“My Uterus Joined the Circus” in Room Magazine “Audacity Issue” (Issue 45.3). September 1st, 2022.

“The Click” in The Walrus July/August 2022 issue. Volume 19, Issue 5.

“Universal Stick Man Repair Kit” in EVENT: Poetry and Prose Volume 50, Issue 3. February 25th, 2022.

Gaslight Gourmet” at Daily Science Fiction. February 24th, 2021.

The Quantum Chocolatier at Nature. January 27th, 2021.

“Ride” in Fantastical Visions V (anthology) from Fantasist Enterprises. William Horner, ed. Forthcoming.

“The River Road, She Rides” in The New Quarterly. Winter 2019. Volume 149.

“Coxley’s Black Divine” in Worlds of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Volume 1 anthology from Altair Australia Pty Ltd. Robert N. Stephenson, ed. The free E-book edition is available here from Smashwords. The print edition is available here at Amazon. January 2016.

“The Humanization of Cheese” in Tales of the Unanticipated Issue #31.Eric M. Heideman, ed. TOTU-Ink. March 2014.

Malleus, Incus, Stapesin Fantasy Magazine. Cat Rambo and Sean Wallace, eds. December 20th, 2010. Reprinted in The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy and Horror, 2011 Edition (Paula Guran, ed., Prime Books, August 2011). Reprinted by Dark Moon Books in 2018 in The Five Senses of Horror (edited by Eric J. Guignard).

“Song of the Blackbird” in Belong (anthology). Russell B. Farr, ed. Ticonderoga Publications. April 2010.

“If You Enjoyed This Story…” [read a free excerpt] in Tales of the Unanticipated Issue #30. Eric M. Heideman, ed. TOTU-Ink.  April 2010.

“A Little Tea and Personal Magnetism” in Animythical Tales (original to the collection). February 2010.

“Pelly Medley” in Animythical Tales (original to the collection). February 2010.

“A Sip from the Cup of Enlightenment” in Animythical Tales (original to the collection). February 2010. Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Horror Volume 3 (Ellen Datlow, ed.).

Choke Pointin Fantasy Magazine. Sean Wallace & Cat Rambo, eds. December 28th, 2009. Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“Tricky Penny Pound” in Under the Rose (anthology). Dave Hutchinson, ed. Norilana Books. October 2009.

“Flatrock Sunners” in Black Static Issue #12. Andy Cox, ed. TTA Press. August 2009. Winner of the 2010 Black Quill Award (Editor’s Choice, Dark Scribble Category). Honorable Mention, Best Horror of the Year Volume 2 (Ellen Datlow, ed.). Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“Meet Me At Lost Ray Lake” in Traps (anthology) from Dark Hart Press. Scott T. Goudsward, ed., November 2008.

“The Rosewater Charlotte” in Storyteller Magazine (Canada). Volume 15, Issue #1, Summer 2008.

“Jim-Bob Fleasy, Professional Escort” in Dog Versus Sandwich. Ben Payne, ed. Twelfth Planet Press. June 16th, 2008.

[with Leslie Brown] “The Amulet of Passages” in Ruins: Metropolis (anthology). Eric T. Reynolds, ed. Hadley Rille Books, May 2008.

“Eat My Stardust” in Dog Versus Sandwich. Ben Payne, ed. Twelfth Planet Press. April 7th, 2008.

“The Stone Man” in Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine Issue #33. Edwina Harvey, ed., March 2008. Reprinted in Fantastic Stories of the Imagination. Warren Lapine & Robert Davis, eds. May 2015 issue. Read the story here.

“Some People’s Kids” in Shiny (Young Adult speculative fiction e-zine), Issue #3. Alisa Krasnostein, Tansy Rayner Roberts & Ben Payne, eds. Twelfth Planet Press. January 2008. Reviewed here.

“The Matchmaker” in AVENues, Issue #10. November 10th, 2007.

“The Man with the Seahorse Head” [free audio version available here (scroll down)] Commonwealth Short Stories CD 2007-2008. Commonwealth Broadcasting Association. November 2007. Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“Bluecoat Jack” in Text:UR – The New Book of Masks (hardcover anthology) from Raw Dog Screaming Press. Forrest Aguirre, ed. March 2007. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Fantasy & Horror, 2008). Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“A Fish Story” in Realms of Fantasy, October 2006. Reviewed here. Reprinted in Fantasy: The Best of the Year 2007 Edition (anthology) from Wildside Press, Rich Horton, ed., July 2007. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Science Fiction, 24th Edition, Dozois, ed.). Reprinted in Animythical Tales. To be reprinted in Funny Fantasy (anthology) from UFO Publishing, Alex Shvartsman, ed. (ebook April 2016, paperback edition May 2016).

“The Undoing” [listen to it here] in Tesseracts Ten (anthology) from Edge Publishing. Edo Van Belkom & Robert Charles Wilson eds. October 2006. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror, 2007). Podcast by Psuedopod, Ben Phillips & Mur Lafferty, eds., Issue#151, July 2009.

“The Bone Fisher’s Apprentice” in Writers of the Future XXII (anthology) from Galaxy Press. September 2006. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror 2007). Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“The Secret Lives of Puppets” [read an excerpt] in Tales of the Unanticipated Issue #26. Eric Heideman, Ed. TOTU-Ink. November 2005.

“Jimmy Away To Me in Tesseracts Nine (anthology) from Edge Science Fiction & Fantasy Publishing, Nalo Hopkinson & Geoff Ryman, eds., September 2005.

“The Teasewater Five in The Nine Muses (anthology) from Wheatland Press, Forrest Aguirre & Deborah Layne, eds., August 2005. Reviewed here. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror, 2006). Reprinted in Animythical Tales.

“Dog on a Loose Chain” in Polyphony 5 (anthology) from Wheatland Press. Deborah Layne & Jay Lake, eds., August 2005.

“The Pear Thief in Fantastical Visions III (anthology) from Fantasist Enterprises, (publisher of illustrated fantasy books). W.H. Horner, Christina Stitt & C. Nathan Dudek, eds. July 2005. (Honorable Mention, Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror, 2006).

“Match Point” in Love Stories: A Literary Companion to Tennis (hardcover anthology) from Citadel Press (Kensington Publishing), Adam Sexton, ed., April 2003. Paperback edition titled Tennis Shorts: Great Writing on Tennis and Life from Citadel Press, May 2005. Reviewed here.

“The Gnome of Putz” Planet Relish E-zine, Issue #22, November/December 2001.


“House Style Styles” in Bullshit Lit Volume 1 anthology, edited by Veronica Bennett. Published by Bullshit Lit. August 23rd, 2022.

Maps to the Apps” at Little Old Lady Comedy. April 13th, 2022.

The Five Stages of Confusion 2021 Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest.

Contingency Plans 2019 Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest.


First Place, New Yorker Caption Contest #787. Cartoon by Tom Toro.

Semi-Finalist, Jack Grapes Poetry Prize. 2021.

Honorable Mention, Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest. 2021. Judges: Lauren Singer and Jendi Reiter.

Honorable Mention (finalist) in the ThinkingFunny 2021 Humor Writing Contest. The list of all finalists is here.

Honorable Mention in the 2020 Lyttle Lytton Contest. (Full list of winners here). Judge: Adam Cadre.

Dishonorable Mention (Miscellaneous category) in the 2019 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (Full list of winners here). Judge: Prof. Scott Rice.

Honorable Mention, Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest. 2019. Judges: Lauren Singer Ledoux and Jendi Reiter.

6th Annual Baen Fantasy Adventure Award. Top 10 Finalist. 2019.

Black Quill Award, 2010, Editor’s Choice, Dark Scribble Category for “Flatrock Sunners”.

Dishonorable Mention (Miscellaneous category) in the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (Full list of winners here). Judge: Prof. Scott Rice.

Regional Winner (Canada & the Caribbean) Commonwealth Short Story Competition 2007/2008. Judges: Donna Daley-Clarke (writer), Lucy Hannah (writer and broadcaster) and Nathan Hamilton of the New Writing Partnership. (Full list of winners here.)

Third Place L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future Contest, Fourth Quarter 2005. Judges: K.D. Wentworth, Tim Powers, Sean Williams, Nina Kiriki Hoffman, Brian Herbert.

Semi-Finalist, L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future Contest, Fourth Quarter, 2003. Judge: K.D. Wentworth.

Honorable Mention, Fantastical Visions Short Story Contest 2006 and 2003.


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